Time after Time

Today is Sunday May 9th 2010. You know this, because I'm sure this fancy program time stamps this blog post for me. I am sitting on a futon given to me by my dear friend Hisham, whom I had the deepest of pleasures knowing while he was here in the US for Graduate school. He since has moved back to Lebanon, in need of a job, and there are some days that I am just so sad that I can't call him up, or run over to Central and give him a hug and hear him tell a bad joke. I am thinking about change today. There is so much happening, constantly. At every moment of everyday. As the saying goes "the only thing constant is change" and they sure do know how to say it just right. There are things that I miss. I am so young, yet there are periods of time that have passed that took with them some of the most wonderful experiences a person can have. Also, some of the worst. Some memories I have now feel like only dreams. I miss music. I miss the pure over abundance of music that just surrounded and enveloped me while in school. The instantaneous moments of jazz and blues, bursting out in song with the beat just filling my body. I miss getting in my car at all hours of the night and driving to anywhere I wanted to go without any regard to sleep, or where I had to be in the morning.
I hate this feeling. This feeling as though I've dug myself into something so deep and I'm still completely confused as to whether or not I was ready to begin at all. As though I bought the new goldfish before I was done mourning the last. Why are there just somethings that my heart will not let me move past. I look at people and wonder how I spend so many years connected and suddenly, a screeching halt.
Change is a beautiful thing. It hurts sometimes, so much that it makes us do all those crazy things that people talk about around the watering hole on Friday nights, drowning our sorrows in Miller Lite, or a vodka tonic. Crazy things that make men call women "bat shit crazy" and women refer to men as "pigs", "dogs", "assholes", and whatever else there is. We don't understand each other because we don't understand ourselves.
In losing my job and thus, looking for new employment, worrying about grad school, supporting my family and friends, and toying with the idea of falling in love; I suppose some of my mind can feel a little twisted upon itself from time to time. Granted, I am lucky to have these people in my life. And I get upset sometimes and how ungrateful I can feel. Unappreciative of the love and grace that so many bring into my life. But again, change can be beautiful. If all falls into place, I could get a great job that pays well and close to home, be able to afford grad school at night, but still get out and paint the town red, while smiling and laughing with the unimaginable power of love in my life. What a picture to paint. A difficult picture, when all your brushes are broken and your paint is dried out.
Suppose I'll just cross my fingers.