The Skin.

I feel like writing today and not having any point in mind. Considering that I really only have one follower, and I highly doubt there is much of anyone else out there that happens to stumble upon the tragically incoherent rambling mess I claim to be this blog. When I started up the blog I, for the most part, had an idea in mind. That's usually how projects start; an idea, a concept, a plan. There are so many ways to plan and create and develop and execute ideas. And everyday, everywhere there are people doing just that. I began a blog the first time when I was a senior in college because I was working on a business plan for my Entreprenuership class. My business was to be a free music business publication that would deliver music industry news, instead of the typical hot spots and best places to catch the local bands. I started the idea because as a broke college student I was frustrated that everytime I wanted to read up on some industry news it always came up through a paid site, or if it was on a free site it was already old news. My entreprenuership teacher asked, as he asked of everyone in the class, "what makes it different?" and 9 times out of 10 I really didn't have an answer, except that I felt the publication would be a resource for news and not album reviews.
Creating a publication for music industry news was just one of my many aspirations as a confused and overwhelmed college student. I wanted to go to law school, I wanted to do lots of different things. I will admit that never once did I wake up and say I want to work for a record label and of all places, that is where I found myself. I have no complaints, and I am thankful everyday. The industry has not only taught me a lot about business and people, but also about myself and the things that are important to me.
Something that is probably more of a negative aspect than you would think is that I tend to pinball between not really having any desire to impress people. The trouble with this is, it would really well in your personal life, but not so well in the professional world. And if you're anything like me, how I carry myself in one life affects how I carry myself in the other. I can't seem to make myself a night / day person. I also notice as I get more confident in my position that I also feel more comfortable outside it, which I think affects the way people associate with me.
Another aspect of myself that affects the way people associate with me, and I've been noticing more and more lately, has been my person.... how shall I put this .... appearance (I guess). To myself, I feel like I look like any other person on the street. I do not go out of my way to create my own "look", I just get dressed and cross my fingers that I remembered to put deoderant on. But the other day I was at Building 19 purchasing some sheets and a bedskirt and I noticed the cashier blantantly staring at the tattoos on my arm. I was a step away from pulling out the cliche "take a picture it'll last longer". I went to get a hair cut, and the stylist seemed comfortable enough with me to talk about ditching her job and going to work on a cruise ship for a while, oh okay that gives me great confidence in how you feel about your job. there are guests that walk into the store I work at part time and will literally stop mid-sentence just to grab hold of my arm and ask a million life questions about what would possess me to cover myself in tattoos, and then they proceed to reveal something about themselves that I would never truthfully care to know. Today when I went to Panera to get lunch I noticed a table with two elderly women who each took a turn while I was in their line of sight to scan my left arm up and down. Why? what's the big deal? what's the difference between my tattoos and wearing a long sleeve shirt with a decorative pattern on the sleeve? oh, that's right, it's permanent and painful and expensive - thus, it must be bad. because my skin is holy and golden like everyone elses so I must cherish it so?
So basically it was those two little old women, harmlessly gumming their egg salad sandwiches on the first sunny day we've had in weeks, that prompted me to come back to my desk and quickly whip up a little ditty while also enjoying a tasty fresh sandwich myself.
I had done a research paper a while back discussing tattoos in culture and how the practice has gone from idealistic to hedonistic. In a few conversations I've had over the past few days some different points have been made, one from someone whom in the past has never said anything positive about tattoos.
While talking with my Assistant manager at my part time job, I mentioned about the hair dress and how uninhibited she seemed about disclosing her desires for other employment and my assistant said "you just seem to have that personality where people tell you things that you wouldn't ever really want to know" and I responded "perhaps they see my tattoos and it immediately conotates an informality and thus, they feel comfortable being informal with me". which is some cases is fine, in other (such as the hair dresser) a bit unprofessional. Another point I thought of the other day when talking to a friend was kind of like a metaphor. We know that there are people out there with identity issues. They feel that the way they look or something about them does not feel appropriate for how they personally feel about themselves. well, I feel right with these tattoos on my arm. I feel like without them, I didn't look right or something. Seems a little weird at first, but the more I thought about it, it made sense to me. No matter how much I tried to wait until I was financially ready to have the tattoos I just couldn't. I wanted them, money or no money. And the pain, well that just happens to be a negative by product but worth it for something that means a lot to me.
Now coming a little bit full circle to saying that these tattoos mean a lot to me brings me to my sister. She has never like tattoos. Every time I told her I was getting more she would give me the whole hour lecture on how it would ruin every opportunity for me and that I would grow up and hate them and wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Now a little while ago she made a comment, and to anyone else it would seem normal, but for my tattoo fearing sister it threw back a little and she may not realize it, but it meant a lot to me. It was shortly after my 2nd sitting and she'd seen it at a family gathering and I kind of gave her an idea of how the rest of the tattoo was potentially going to be finished. The next day we're chatting on Instant Messenger as we usually do in between being responsible and she asked me a few questions about the tattoo and said "I'm actually really excited to see how the whole thing turns out". A simple comment mind you, but for someone who has blantantly discouraged tattoos in almost every step and to say it to someone who was doing this to represent our family including her. well... it meant a lot to me anyway.
Now for those (Lori) of you that haven't seen any of the work done yet, I am more than half through to a full sleeve on my left arm. I had an older tattoo on the forearm that was done to represent my sisters and the path that we've traveled together, but there was more that I wanted to express. I wanted to show everyone a little plastic picture book of my family and tell a story at the same time, so I have several images that I took and put together to represent my family, by way of something that will always remind me of them. An example would be a cardinal for my mother as she LOVES cardinals. A jukebox for my tattoo fearing sister as she will always have an absolutely endless love for music in every form and genre. so on and so forth.
The point of my first part of the story is that I have come to a conclusion that I want to teach. I want to go back to graduate school for American Studies and look at the Music Industry from a purely cultural perspective and be able to share this different approach with young sponges such as myself in college. I have one moment of doubt almost everyday about my tattoos and wanting to be a teacher and I take a long look at myself and hope that by the time I am out there and teaching tattoos will come with a grain of salt. I don't know if they every truly will. I have imagined my first day in front of the class. Do I wear long sleeves? or do I let them all discuss my tattoos as well as their own for a whole class period so that we can all the distraction out of the way. I think it would be cool to be able to share those things in a classroom setting so that there is a mutual understanding that we are adults and all deserve respect whether it was something we did on spring break, or in memorial to a lost loved one. it's skin, just like the walls in your home, you should be able to decorate as you please.
And I wonder when elderly women with egg salad clogging their sinuses take long scornful looks at my "ink" what they think. Am I irresponsible? irrational? foolish perhaps? do they immediately think that I will grow up having regret? who knows. Maybe they actually really like it and that's why their staring. I'm mad that they're judging me so I judge right back, makes sense...
Anyway, there is no moral of this story or any point to be made here today. It's the close of the day and I just felt that I needed to stand up for myself somewhere in this crazy world wide web. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.